i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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