id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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