honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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