so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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