ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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