Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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