just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
