Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
