it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
