She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
