Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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