Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
