hotel room ftw
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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