Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
that's an acceptable place to lick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Randomize
