dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i think i have two assholes
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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