is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
