i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
