its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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