I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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