mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just wanna soil my oats bro
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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