Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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