Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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