So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
