I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
