I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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