He uses pillows to masturbate.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
