well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
