i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
