Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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