Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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