i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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