I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
