We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
