The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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