Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
