fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Please don't give away my fajitas
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
