My hair reeks of homosexuality.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
