I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
