he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
