it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
