Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
