Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
