I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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