Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i now understand why vodka
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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