Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
