I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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