You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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