omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
