My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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