i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
