Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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